June 6, 1959
Sorry it's been too long since I posted. I am also sorry that I have not even replied to anyone's comments or responded to anyone's postings. It's been 8 weeks since my mother passed, and I have been a stressed-out, sad, crying mess.
I won't even begin to go into the funeral and how that was just about the most brutal thing I have ever experienced. I then spent about three weeks going through the house and having to go through my mother's things -- purging the clothes and shoes and donating them to a worthy cause (a local women's shelter won out -- that was actually my father's idea). I had to go through basically 50 years worth of memories in a house that was 75% my mother's. I found some wonderful things, some heartbreaking things, and just so many memories of my mother and her life. And being the only daughter, I was the one to go through everything. There was no way my father could have done it, and it honestly wasn't my brothers' place to do it either.
This has been really hard on my father -- I don't know how he's handling it. I have been in tears every day. I had to get through my first birthday without my mother, and being that the boyfriend and I share our birthdays, nothing was celebrated this year.
The boyfriend was an amazing help at my parents' house in the week immediately following my mother's death. I stayed at my dad's place for about a month and then came back to my apartment.
Unfortunately, I had one week to pack up my place and move. The boyfriend and I found a place right before we left to go to California, and then the moment I get home from California, I had to pack and move in with him. The move has been hard. I am stressed from my mother's death, crying every day, and I am moving in with a boy for the first time. I am assuming it is easier to move in with someone when you are younger as the two of you aren't set in your ways. This is just one big push-pull it seems as it's the stress of moving, the stress of moving in with SOMEONE, and the emotional basket-case that is my life right now. They say that after the death of someone, you shouldn't make any changes for six months: don't quit your job, don't break-up with someone, don't do anything drastic. Well, that rule got broken twice in my world: my brother's wife of 15 years filed for divorce from my brother two weeks after my mother dies (yeah, I know, a horrible, horrible thing for her to do) and I moved within 5 weeks of my mother's death.
I am so emotionally torn right now. I am glad to me living with someone, but it's someone who is so set in his ways. It scares me because I've never lasted this long with someone before, and moving in with someone is just scary. I am not sure if he's "getting it" why this scares me and having this happen on top of the loss of my mother...It's not an excuse for anything -- it's all just been so terribly, terribly hard.
Regardless, the bottom line is that I miss my mother terribly. It hurt so much to have my birthday without her calling me first thing in the morning. It kills me to know how alone my father is right now. And I cry every day it seems.
Going through my mother's drawers, I found my parents' wedding photos -- my father didn't even know where they were. My mother was so amazingly beautiful. She was so happy to be married to my father. I am so sad that she was unable to save her wedding dress (I believe she left it in South Africa with her mother when she moved to America, and when her mother died, I am sure it got tossed away), but I did manage to find the gloves she is wearing in the photo. I am also so incredibly sad that my mother never got to see her only daughter get married (not that that's happening any time soon, it's just something I think all mothers want to see happen for their daughters). I just miss my mother so very, very much right now, and I hope she knows how much I love her and miss her.
I won't even begin to go into the funeral and how that was just about the most brutal thing I have ever experienced. I then spent about three weeks going through the house and having to go through my mother's things -- purging the clothes and shoes and donating them to a worthy cause (a local women's shelter won out -- that was actually my father's idea). I had to go through basically 50 years worth of memories in a house that was 75% my mother's. I found some wonderful things, some heartbreaking things, and just so many memories of my mother and her life. And being the only daughter, I was the one to go through everything. There was no way my father could have done it, and it honestly wasn't my brothers' place to do it either.
This has been really hard on my father -- I don't know how he's handling it. I have been in tears every day. I had to get through my first birthday without my mother, and being that the boyfriend and I share our birthdays, nothing was celebrated this year.
The boyfriend was an amazing help at my parents' house in the week immediately following my mother's death. I stayed at my dad's place for about a month and then came back to my apartment.
Unfortunately, I had one week to pack up my place and move. The boyfriend and I found a place right before we left to go to California, and then the moment I get home from California, I had to pack and move in with him. The move has been hard. I am stressed from my mother's death, crying every day, and I am moving in with a boy for the first time. I am assuming it is easier to move in with someone when you are younger as the two of you aren't set in your ways. This is just one big push-pull it seems as it's the stress of moving, the stress of moving in with SOMEONE, and the emotional basket-case that is my life right now. They say that after the death of someone, you shouldn't make any changes for six months: don't quit your job, don't break-up with someone, don't do anything drastic. Well, that rule got broken twice in my world: my brother's wife of 15 years filed for divorce from my brother two weeks after my mother dies (yeah, I know, a horrible, horrible thing for her to do) and I moved within 5 weeks of my mother's death.
I am so emotionally torn right now. I am glad to me living with someone, but it's someone who is so set in his ways. It scares me because I've never lasted this long with someone before, and moving in with someone is just scary. I am not sure if he's "getting it" why this scares me and having this happen on top of the loss of my mother...It's not an excuse for anything -- it's all just been so terribly, terribly hard.
Regardless, the bottom line is that I miss my mother terribly. It hurt so much to have my birthday without her calling me first thing in the morning. It kills me to know how alone my father is right now. And I cry every day it seems.
Going through my mother's drawers, I found my parents' wedding photos -- my father didn't even know where they were. My mother was so amazingly beautiful. She was so happy to be married to my father. I am so sad that she was unable to save her wedding dress (I believe she left it in South Africa with her mother when she moved to America, and when her mother died, I am sure it got tossed away), but I did manage to find the gloves she is wearing in the photo. I am also so incredibly sad that my mother never got to see her only daughter get married (not that that's happening any time soon, it's just something I think all mothers want to see happen for their daughters). I just miss my mother so very, very much right now, and I hope she knows how much I love her and miss her.
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-Brian